Anxiety got you down? You’re not alone!

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Anxiety exists because on some level as humans we need that anxiety to warn us of impending danger. It’s our survival compass for when times get tough and we can’t see the blue skies and safe path through all the dust created by what-ifs playing in your mind.

• What if I can’t get past this?
• What if the storm never ends?
• What if I can’t find my way back?
• What if I get so lost, I lose everything I care about?

The list is endless and can be damaging if we don’t learn how to stop that question and replace it with something amenable and productive.

Trying Times Require Care

These times are very trying and causing many of us anxiety. I had to remind myself to stop asking that what-if question every time my nerves spiked due to the circumstances. I quickly realized that I would sink and fast if I didn’t pause and come up with a better way to get through these times.

What happens with me, and I’m guessing most of us who suffer from anxiety, is that we start off with an innocent enough question about a problem we’re experiencing, trying to understand the root cause of it so we can solve it. What tends to happen with me is I continue to dig until I’ve dropped far below the actual issue. I land in the dreaded pit of no return where the loop of trying to fit an unworkable solution into the puzzle creates even more anxiety.

The anxiety loop is cause for concern because we can’t solve a problem with an old set of solutions. We also can’t see a new problem as anything but a problem because we’re viewing it through the same tired lens that we’ve used time and again.

Every Problem Has a Solution

What I discovered, or maybe I should say rediscovered, is that every problem has a solution. I say rediscovered because before all of this happened with this terrible pandemic, I knew this. I have experienced many epiphanies over the years when I directed by brain to search for a solution to a problem. I had ultimate trust that a solution existed for every single problem that would come my way. And one always did. The fact that I’m still here and alive, fed, loved, and still smiling serves as proof that I’ve always found a solution to my problems. Never in my history has a problem ever derailed me so much that I wasn’t able to survive it.

Remembering this fact gives me strength today. It has helped me rediscover that part of problem solving that I’ve always loved, solving the problem!

We may not always like what the solution is, though. That’s usually where we go astray. We put into our minds how we think things should go and when they don’t go that way, we get disappointed, frustrated, fearful, and yes completely sidetracked with anxiety. Anxiety in this case, in its simplest of form, is the by product of our fervent desire to have an outcome and life not cooperating. Anxiety is that convoluted space in between desire and outcome.

Control Factor

There are so many facets of life that we have zero control over. And that has never been more apparent to me than while living through a pandemic.

• What if I can never retire now?
• What if I lose my job?
• What if I lost my house?
• What if my parents die?
• What if someone I care about falls gravely ill and I can’t be there for them?

All of these are legitimate concerns. If anything existed to cause us anxiety, these what ifs are them. They’re questions I believe most every human on the planet is asking themselves right now. But we can’t answer them. No matter how many different ways you ask yourself these what if questions, you’re always going to get the same answer, which is we’ll never know until it becomes a reality. That space between desiring for it never to come true and the unknown outcome is what creates the anxiety and sheer terror in our minds.

Is it fair to say, knowing we can’t control the outcome of these concerns at this moment, that perhaps a better use of our time, energy, and heart should instead go into asking ourselves better questions? Questions that will better help us to solve the problem of constant worry over uncontrollable things?

My character, Ivy, in my recent book, Uprooting, often challenged her the listeners of her Uprooting podcast to have a serious chat with themselves by asking themselves really good questions.

So, let’s suppose we try the same thing. What if instead of asking what if, we ask what can I do right now with my current situation? You can answer this question productively in a way that helps you solve the problem of anxiety. You may not be able to solve how you’ll retire if you’re retirement funds are washed away by an economic depression. You don’t have a crystal ball or the ability to travel in time to a future where you’ll be able to know the outcome. So why not instead, focus on problems you can solve immediately?

Direct Your Focus

By focusing on something else, you give your mind and heart a break from the things that drown you in anxiety. So be kind to yourself and turn your attention to something you can control. Elevate your emotions instead of lowering them. And the best way to do this is to agree to place all those questions about the known, the ones that keep you up all night long, someplace other than in your mind.

What do I mean by this?

A Powerful Exercise

Write down your anxious questions. Then, put them away someplace for safe keeping. The act of writing down your thoughts helps to free your mind because you no longer need to focus on it. It won’t loop in your mind anymore. You’ve downloaded it for later. Knowing where you placed it gives you peace of mind. You’re not telling yourself to forget it. You’re simply telling yourself to keep it someplace safe for now so you can you focus on something else that may bring you relief and answers down the road.

With a free mind, take the next five minutes and ask yourself, what is good about my current situation?

Some of you might be rolling your eyes wanting to scream at me that there is nothing good about it. I’m asking you to trust me for five minutes and ask it anyway. Have a pen and pad handy and seriously consider this question. Don’t stop asking yourself this question and searching for answers until you’ve written at least 3 items.

I did this exercise myself last week when I felt overwhelmed and then rediscovered the gift of asking good questions of myself.

I started off writing out my anxiety questions.

• What if my spouse, parents, siblings, or friends die of this and I can’t be with them?
• What if it takes me 18 months to get back to the office?
• What if I don’t get to see my nephew marry his fiancé in the fall?
• What if my computer breaks and I can’t work anymore?

I just kept writing until my list took up two sheets of computer paper. I then folded the paper and placed it in my drawer at the back of my closet.

I breathed, took a fresh notepad, made some tea, and sat in my favorite chair in my living room. I began a new list answering my question what is good about this current situation?

• Oh, well for starters, I’m healthy.
• My spouse is healthy.
• I have the ability to telecommute.
• I have great friends.
• I have Zoom and can meet with my family and friends online whenever I want to see them.
• The flowers are blooming.
• I’m growing my own scallions and they’re multiplying.
• I just learned a new song on the piano and it actually sounded pretty freaking awesome.
• My couch is incredibly comfortable.
• I’m enjoying tea with a fresh lime.
• My hair is growing longer and shaggier, but hell I have hair.

Gosh the list went on for a long time. It was way longer than my anxiety list.

What this did for me was encourage and empower me to feel the light and the warmth of the things that are going right in my life. That felt so much better to focus on than the what ifs that hopefully and likely will never come to pass.

A Powerful Lesson

I realized something very powerful. I realized how amazing it feels to live life in search mode for those things that make me smile and feel connected to something far beyond the anxiety I left behind in my closet drawer.

Friends there is so much more to life when you decide to focus on those things that give you pause and the undeniable feeling that you’re okay and you’re not just getting through life. You’re thriving in it, and that all the unknowns are simply possibilities that can turn in your favor with time and patience. All in good time you will come to see that life, with all it’s twists and turns, is always offering you new hope for this moment right now and well into the future.

Over to You

Will you give this a try? Will you share some insights here in the comments?

Keeping your ego in check is important if you want to be able to positively influence others and remain balanced.

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The ego is a complex part of who we are. It’s what drives us to do, say, and act a certain way at any given time. It’s what sets us apart from other species, and from each other. The ego is our conscious mind, the part of our identity that we consider “self.”

The role of the ego has one major task, sort out what is real in the world. Through its constant companionship, it helps us make sense of the world and of our place in it. It is who we think and perceive ourselves to be and makes up our personality. The ego controls our consciousness and therefore is the part of our personality of which we are most aware.

Because we are most aware of the ego, one might think it’s easy to control and keep in check. We all recognize those people who have big egos. They are the ones who act full of themselves, like humanity should part the path for them to walk through. Like everyone should listen carefully to what that person, or in this case, that ego, is saying because according to the person who encapsulates that ego, they are always right.

The Downside of the Ego

Yeah, the ego sounds like a weird, manipulative part of us all and that if not kept in check can lead a person astray toward a life where no one enjoys being around her.

The ego has earned itself a bad reputation because typically the word ego is used in situations to describe the negative. Being called egotistical means you don’t have the competence and experience to back up your confidence. That kind of ego is damaging and needs to be checked.

The Upside of the Ego

But equally as powerful as the negative side of the ego is the positive side of it. It does have value. For instance, imagine someone who is great at their work but downplays their value. That’s incredibly detrimental because if they don’t see the value, they’ll never bring their best forward. They’ll tend to hold back for fear of being too proud, too showy, too talented in a world that sometimes doesn’t favor that out of some weird competitive, jealousy that rules the cultural environment.

A Fine Balance

There’s a fine balance like anything notable and important in our life. Developing enough ego to believe in yourself and trust your dedication is crucial to your success.

The one huge gift of the ego is that we can control it. It can work in our favor if we become aware of its power in our life.

Today we’ll take a look at ways to increase positive ego and decrease its polar opposite, the side that can ruin our lives and relationships.

Bringing out the Best in Us

How can we increase the positive nature of our ego so as to bring out the best in us and those around us?

Well for starters, it’s important to realize that the ego needs to be fostered and embraced in a way that can significantly improve your performance and increase your self-confidence. Confidence is the key to performing at our peak and providing tremendous value in sharing that work with others. Doing great work requires a certain level of confidence and confidence is directly related to the ego. Imagine your favorite musician taking the stage and faltering through her songs because she doesn’t believe in her ability to entertain you? She’d never have a career as a musician. The only way she got that career was through her ego. It created her confidence to take that stage and light it up.

It’s not egotistical to know you are good at something. It’s the complete opposite of egotistical, in fact, because that would mean you don’t have the skill and competency to back up what you’re doing. You’ve got to believe in yourself to succeed and bring value.

Another positive side of the ego is leading a team, family, or friends toward a direction together, and doing so confidently with everyone’s best interests at heart. No one is going to follow your lead if you are meek and unsure of your ways. With your ego in check, you place yourself in a better position to make smart decisions for everyone involved. Sometimes people need someone else to cheer them on and say let’s go this way friends.

How to Zap a Bad Ego

Okay, let’s take a 180-degree angle here and figure out a few ways to kill a bad ego.

Taking on a Student View

Our egos sometimes embed the erroneous belief that we already know something well enough without needing someone else to tell us something new. Drop that belief and adopt a beginner’s mindset. Become a student of the universe, if you will. Go into a situation as you’ve never heard of the subject before. You’ll be amazed at how well you’ll connect with other people and their ideas. You might even walk away learning something new about something you’ve grown too used to be it work or relationship related.

Focus on Effort over Outcome

Another idea to keep the ego in check is to focus on effort over outcome. Sometimes we become so preoccupied with the outcome of our efforts that we fail to embrace the process of actually doing. That’s where the magic is. That’s where we open up to possibility. We shed the need to have something turn out as we would have it and allow ourselves to open up to what could be had we just had the smarts to let go of rigidity and allow for flow.

Forego Recognition

Another thing that kicks bad ego to the side is ignoring the need to be recognized for your efforts. Not everyone’s going to jump up and down in glee for what you’ve put forth, and until you stop expecting that, you’ll be a slave to the ego. The ego is hungry for credit. It thrives on it and will continue to show up at all the wrong times to get it somehow.

Look for the Lesson

Whenever possible in our pursuits, always look for new lessons from those around you. Never believe you have all the answers or learned everything there is to know. Or worse, that everything you know is right. Be okay with listening to others who are already successful and learn and absorb everything you can. Forget credit.

Admit your Faults

The final thing I’ll share that I’ve learned time and again is to admit when you’ve been egotistical. Make a full stop and start anew. The more you keep digging your way out of a hole you’ve created, the deeper you’ll fall into it and the harder it’ll be to climb out. The ego loves to come to our defenses when it feels we’ve been wounded. It will launch a full-scale attack to save our face. It will do anything to keep us out of trouble by forging ahead with arguments and self-inflated beliefs that often are not even true. When you recognize this, stop. Don’t dig any deeper. You’ll only make things worse. Accept that you are where you are because of that pesky thing called ego.

If we can learn to co-exist in a win-win relationship with the ego, then we’re more apt to enjoy a better sense of connectedness to things that matter and to people who matter. And isn’t that the whole point of this thing called life? To connect with such a purpose?

Stay Awesome!

I always get a mixed bag of feelings swarming in the pit of my belly on a book’s release day. As a writer who has put in a year’s work of love to weave a tale I’m proud to share, it’s a big day. So, I plan to spend it taking a long walk, sipping red wine, and giving thanks to all who support me.

Here’s what some readers have to say…

“You read it first for the touching story of pain, healing, and redemption intertwined with romantic discovery. You read it again to bask in the details, the harmony of nature and mind, the small things that bring us joy in a world filled with injustice and misunderstanding. Finally, this book becomes your safe place. Somewhere you go when you need some advice or just a place to exist and reflect.” – Mildred

“It all comes down to trust and decency, and here, Ms. Carr shines. Her characters are SO good, you’ll find yourself almost talking to them, and that, outside of the author’s adroit use of narrative, is Ms. Carr’s greatest talent. You’ll want to see the bad guys get what they deserve, you’ll want to see Harper succeed, and you’ll WANT Harper and Ivy to find happiness.” – J.S. Frankel

“It was a great read, and I must say that I’m still thinking about the raisin scene (wink).” – Brenda

“This story has many threads, but for me the deepest vein is forgiveness. For some of us have had terrible things done to us. Some less so. But for most of us, forgiveness is hard work. For Harper it is a great mountain to climb. I was very drawn into this story. I find it inspiring.” – Charley K

“I loved that the romance was sweet, loving and nurturing without any associated push-pull drama. How refreshing! The story is very relatable and will touch people in a meaningful way. We need more of that. Definitely recommend!” – Guerunche

If you want to help:

If you want to help spread the word, I’d be so grateful. Please come join me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram to help share my post of the launch!

Okay onto the details:

Uprooting is available on Kindle, Kindle Unlimited, and paperback. And if you prefer a signed copy, you can order that here.

Stay awesome! 

Today’s post is inspired by my character Harper from Uprooting. It is about nice things to do for a friend or loved one going through a tough time.

At the beginning of Uprooting, when Harper got the call that her sister was dealing with a health scare, she showed up to be by her side and help see her through the scary wait time of hearing results that could change their lives forever. During that time, she showed her sister how much her presence meant in her life.

Harper, having suffered through a tumultuous childhood where the people she relied on to be there for her weren’t, understood the power of showing up. By showing up she unknowingly shifted not only her sister’s life for the better, but also her own, setting them both up to make a difference in the lives of each other and others in really amazing ways.

Small Details Matter

Harper realized through it all that being there for someone doesn’t require grand scale actions. It’s often the smallest of details that make the biggest of differences.

I recently experienced this epiphany for myself when my spouse landed in the hospital with a severe sepsis infection after surgery. Running back and forth to the hospital for 8 days, never knowing what state I’d find my loved one in, took an emotional and physical toll. I didn’t have time to consider things like making lunch or dinner for myself, ensuring I was hydrating, or my own terrors at what could’ve been.

As my spouse lay in a hospital room fighting for some form of antibiotic to work, life suddenly came into true focus. Life’s big important moments stopped being about promoting the release of Uprooting, producing my next podcast episode or being present creatively at my day job. As the blood infection continued to resist the antibiotics and scary what-ifs began to pile up in my mind, it was the love and support of family and friends that helped keep me focused on keeping my spouse focused.

I never understood the strength it requires to be a caretaker until I became one.

Nice Actions You Can Take

Family and friends brought me a meal, sent flowers and fruits, brought coffee, and showed up with short visits to show they cared. They sent messages. They asked about my spouse. They asked about whether I was taking care of myself so I could keep up strength enough for us both. 

What happens in a situation like this is that is makes a person much more aware and more empathetic when it happens to someone else.

The gift is awareness.

I’ve had friends and family suffer medical issues in the past and never understood the value of a quick message, a card in the mail, or a hot coffee on the desk. Let me tell you, those details matter. They are life-changing when you’re in that situation. They give you that little extra lift you need to power through and regain some strength. They remind you that you matter and are loved.

Nice Actions Make Me Emotional

Honestly when people act with such kindness and gentleness it tears me up. I get very emotional and cry. But make no mistake those tears are not sad tears. They are grateful tears. They are born out of the notion that somewhere in this great big convoluted world that we live in, where everyone is so embedded in their own struggles, that there is thoughtful humanity at play.

I’m happy to report, my spouse won the battle over the resistant bacterial infection, having finally found a med that worked. It’ll be a long road of recovery to regain the strength the infection took, but it’s coming. And for that we are grateful. We will also never forget the power of the lessons we received from going through this.

We spoke this morning before I left for work. We spoke about the power of empathy and how certain situations carry a tremendous power because they are teachable moments. They allow us to show up and be there when it matters. They allow us to understand how small details mean so much.

As a result of this health scare, we’ve both learned how important it is to focus on being present with those people in life who we value. To send that card. To buy that person a coffee. To leave a favorite chocolate bar on their desk. To bake a casserole. And perhaps most notable, to show up not having all the answers but having all the love that can comfort those moments of unknowing.

When Life Gets Tough

Empathy is powerful. When we have it, we can finally answer the question that always rattles the heart of someone suffering, that why question. Why is this happening? Why me? Why them? Why? Well perhaps for no other reason than because things happen. Life happens. Good and bad things happen all the time.

But if you’re like me and you aren’t satisfied with that as an answer, perhaps you might find yourself caressing the same answer I got from this latest struggle my spouse and I suffered, perhaps it just happened because, yes, things happen, but because they happen we’re now richer in our capacity to show up for someone else down the line. And also to understand that the greatest impacts often reside in the smallest of details.

We know how to be there for someone now, and how important that is. For the one struggling, it can be the difference between viewing life’s situation as a teachable moment or a curse.

Which would you chose?

I hope it’s not ever as a curse.

I hope you see things as teachable moments.

A Teachable Moment

The teachable moment for me was realizing that little actions matter.

They carry great weight and bring about beautiful things like empathy and compassion.

Empathy and compassion are the building blocks of humanity. Just like with Harper showing up to her sister’s side when she struggled with a health scare and again throughout the book when she battled the complexities of sobriety within a life riddled with temptations and challenges, we can learn how to be better versions of ourselves, less judgmental and more compassionate.

A Few Nice Things Go a Long Way

The next time someone in your life is suffering from something, regardless if you view it as small or grand, show up. Be there. Have a deck of greeting cards ready to be addressed and stamped. Put aside a few extra dollars to surprise someone with a simple comforting gesture like a blueberry muffin or package of granola bars. Bring them a plant that reminds them of your continual support.  Go out of your way just a little to show them how much they matter. That can make all the difference to someone fighting for comfort, health, or success over something that controls them.

My last suggestion is don’t be afraid to tell them you don’t have the right words and answers to comfort them. Those aren’t necessary to bring comfort.  Your presence in some capacity is though.

You don’t have to be a magician with witty or inspiring words. You don’t have to have lots of extra money to buy a fancy gift. You just need to show up and let that person know that they are important and you are rooting for them.

Don’t be too busy to show up. It takes a moment to add a small detail to someone’s grand view on life and all its potential.

Big Takeaways

I’ve learned a lot about love throughout the course of this challenge. It’s taught me that there are some really great people in this world who care. When you come down to the real value of life, it’s not about money, cars, houses, or any other material possession. It’s about people. It’s about being present with people. It’s about putting down the damned cell phone and having a real conversation across the dinner table. It’s about being flexible and patient when life tosses you stuff you never asked for. It’s about being grateful for the small gifts brought to us by these big lessons. But most importantly, it’s about sending small reminders to others through our actions that on the other end of their struggles is a loving friendship that is more meaningful than anything else going on in the world at that moment.

Cheers,
Suzie

I hope you are enjoying the holiday season and are looking forward to the new year ahead. Some things I’m looking forward to are producing brand new podcasts to inspire self-love actions and releasing my 14th women-loving-women romance novel, Uprooting in March 2020! Yay, I always get excited about a new book. I love to put all my research into a story and watch it unfold.

Speaking of research…

I’ve been a busy novelist these past 5 weeks. I’m in Colombia, South America visiting family as well as collecting a bunch of unique experiences to put into my 15th novel (yet to be titled!).

Life-changing…

OMG the experiences have been life-changing for me, starting with a severe case of altitude sickness in Bogota while in a 2 hour immigration line, to celebrating an American Thanksgiving put together for me and my spouse by our Colombian family, to hiking through the steep hills of coffee bean and plantain mountainsides, to sleeping on a farm under a mosquito net, to dancing under the bright Colombian skies in an open amphitheater while a live Salsa band performed, to navigating the city streets of Armenia and realizing there is much order to its chaos.

It doesn’t stop there…

I loved so many things like riding in the back of a Jeep Willy on back roads full of ditches and rocks, to breaking down in the middle of nowhere in said Jeep Willy and having two very generous men stop to help us (our battery faltered and they just happened to have had a spare battery in their vehicle. What are the chances?!) to taking cold showers because hot water is hard to come by, to waking to the calls of roosters, to starting off with limited Spanish and being able to hold a conversation after 5 weeks, to hiking through a bamboo forest, to discovering Nipplefruit (Yes! There’s such a thing!), to picking mangoes; avocados; lemons; oranges; and zapotes fresh from our family’s backyard chalet haven.

Volcanoes, Earthquakes, Oh My!

Additionally, I had even more experiences like the amazing chance to swim in hot springs fueled by a volcano, to witnessing garbage trucks blaring festive music as they keep the quaint towns clean, to visiting countless quaint towns all situated in picturesque valleys, to being greeted by most everyone we pass with a Buenos Dias and a smile, to experiencing a 6.0 earthquake on Christmas eve and having to run out to the streets for safety, to then experiencing 10 more earthquakes in the days following (last one was an hour ago, and I’m used to them now!).

Taking Note…

It’s been one hell of a trip filled with so many unique moments. So many it’d take a novel to share them all. Well it’s a good thing I’m a novelist! I can’t wait to share them with you in my 15th novel that’ll come out March 2021.

Until then, may life be kind to you and your loved ones and offer you many opportunities to find joy in the simple and mesmerizing world before you.

PS I’ve been busy producing many podcasts this year. You can access them and all future ones on my YouTube Channel. Please subscribe to my channel and be sure to hit the little bell to get notifications whenever I upload a new episode.

Thanks for being a part of my life!

Cheers!
Love,
Suzie Carr