A good conversationalist holds the golden ticket to personal and professional success. If you can converse effectively, you will go far in life.

Conversation

I went out for lunch the other day with a group of people, and something really bothered me that I thought might be a good topic for this blog because I don’t believe I am alone in what I’m about to say.

These people are wonderful, deeply passionate and engaging. They discussed all sorts of topics while we devoured delicious enchiladas and tacos at a delicious Mexican restaurant. Some of the things they talked about I didn’t have an opinion on, so I continued to eat and listen as I watched the conversations unfold.

Ideally, the banter between everyone would’ve chimed on like a beautiful song, waving up and down in tone and ebbing and flowing in harmony as each person took a moment to share their thoughts. But, that’s not how it went. 

Here’s what really happened. I ate, they talked, I attempted to chime in, they talked over me, which resulted in me shutting down. This is a habit of mine, and I think it stems from childhood when I was bullied by a classmate, repeatedly slapped any time I tried to talk. I think it’s important to understand why we act as we do, because without that honest look at ourselves, we can never learn and grow.

So what have I learned?

When I’m in a group setting, I tend to go into listen only mode. I rarely take the volley of the conversation because to do that would require me to be more assertive and in a way aggressive even.

What do I mean?

As a listener, I get a front row seat to the dynamics of conversation. It’s incredibly interesting to watch.  It’s a dance of sorts. One person tosses out a thought, and the others leap to match it and interject their thoughts. To be in the position to actually catch the next wave of that volley and own it, a person has to either be more interesting than the others, have valuable information to share that is respected, or be louder.

The Flow of Conversation

Here’s what happens to me in a group setting. I shut down. We began talking about a subject I knew intimately. So, naturally I attempted to grab the speaking position and launch into my spiel. When I did this, others began to circle around my words until finally they overpowered me and took back the conversation.

This did a couple of things to me. For starters, it shut me down. I stopped sharing my thoughts mid-sentence and no one seemed to notice. The conversation took a totally different turn and I kept waiting for the right moment to sneak back in and latch onto it again. Only, it never circled back my way long enough to offer that moment. The only way I’d get my turn back was if I interrupted someone else, by speaking over her.

I won’t do that because I think it’s incredibly rude to do that, and it makes me feel terrible when someone does it to me. And the last thing I want to do is make someone else feel terrible. So, I chose to sit idle with my thoughts and just listen.

Now, I’m the type of person who wants to learn. I take every moment that makes me feel kind of crappy and try to figure out the lesson so I can figure out a way to avoid a similar situation in the future.

Group Setting

All my life, I’ve dealt with this issue when I’m in a group setting.

I don’t seem to have this issue when I’m engaged in a one-on-one conversation. Those always go so smoothly. The conversation volleys back and forth nicely on most all occasions. I guess that’s why when I’m in a group situation, I tend to veer towards the people who are sitting idle and in listen only mode too and strike up wonderful, full conversations with them.

When I think about group dynamics, the assertive voices often are the ones that rise and lead. They have something to say, and they want to be heard. For me, the frustration comes in when I want to be heard too because I feel I’ve got something of value to share, and then I find myself in a position where I’m talking over people and often having to trample over their voices repeatedly just to be heard. That’s not my style, and not something that makes me feel empowered. I typically walk away from situations like that feeling defeated and exhausted.

The Art of Conversation

So, two things. One, being aware of this whole group dynamic thing has helped me be a better listener, and for that I’m grateful. I think being a listener is a great skill, and if learned by more people, better more satisfying conversations would take place. Some of the greatest and most memorable talks I have had are with people who at first appear shy, and when prompted and nurtured to share by asking them thought-provoking, open-ended questions and really taking the time to listen to their response, they open up and share valuable stuff that has helped me grow as a person.

So this begs the question of what does a person like myself do when she continually finds herself in group situations? Do I continue to be in listen only mode? Do I stomp all over someone else to be heard? For me, I realize I can’t change the patterns and actions of other people. I can’t control whether they want to listen or talk over me. That’s their choice. What I can control is how I behave in such a situation. I have choices too.

I choose to assert my voice only when I feel people want to listen. Otherwise, it becomes this endless loop of one-upping another in a conversation where no one is listening because they’re all too busy interrupting each other. I’d rather save my energy for those who are willing to indulge in the art of conversation where one volleys a thought or question and the other receives it, lets it marinate and layers it with another thought or question.

Flip the topic

Now, let’s flip this topic over on its side and say you are one of those who tends to talk over people, interrupt them, steal the words from their tongues before they can fully launch them. What can you do right now to transform into a better communicator? Maybe you’ve never realized how by doing that you are disempowering not only the other person, but even yourself because you’re not allowing for the full range of exchange of information that could be valuable.

Next time you’re in a group situation, monitor yourself. Take inventory on the flow around the table. Are you dominating? Are you interrupting? Are you talking over someone? Are you ignoring the quiet person politely listening to you? There’s something very simple you can do to nurture that person into contributing. You can ask her a question and listen as she answers. And if someone talks over her, be the change agent and stop the interruption.

We all have choices in life. What do you choose?  Do you choose to be the one talking, listening, or the empowering one who chooses to encourage a little of both?

To remove clutter will open you up to a brand new view on life. When your landscape is clear, you can move forward with ease.

Clutter is like the sneaky cold virus that comes in on a whisper. At first, you don’t notice its entrance. It hides in the quiet recesses of the unnoticed, slowly building on itself until it gets nice and comfy. Then it begins to multiply, stretching beyond natural, taking over territories not able to coexist peacefully in its presence. Before long, it clouds the once pure space that offered tranquility and rest. It thrives in the new chaos it forms, casting upon us an obnoxious force that inevitably overruns the very environment we need to sustain our focus, health, and overall quality of life.

Just like my character Lia, from Sandcastles, begins to understand how the clutter of her busy life chokes her, I also did. Clutter is toxic. Until we remove it, it threatens our health and well-being. 

Clutter gets in the way

Clutter tempts us to procrastinate. It beckons us to focus on what’s around us instead of what’s right smack-dab in front. Clutter is like a clogged highway. It doesn’t allow for freedom of movement. Horns are beeping, tempers are flaring, and we’re just idle, unable to get away from the mess. We can’t accelerate. We can’t flee the scene. We are prisoners to the limitations set by the conditions. No matter how much we focus on getting out of the madness, we simply cannot. We’ve left no room to circumvent the charged emotions or the pileup of excess. We find ourselves stuck in the middle of the crazed chaos, and unless we choose to forgo the similar roadways in the future, we’re at risk of losing ground on our pursuits. As clutter progresses, we digress.

Clutter is toxic.

It eats away at our prolific intentions. It covers us in a film of weariness and frustration that clouds our creative ingenuity.

Clutter enters into our life in many forms. It can be in the form of low-yield tasks, physical stuff, emotional demands placed on us, or even constant worry over things way outside of our control.

We allow clutter in for many reasons. We may find comfort in keeping things, afraid to let them go for sentimental or practical reasons. We may want to please people and not disappoint them by saying no to their demands. We may expect too much of ourselves and overcommit to tasks. We may be incessant worriers who fear losing control over a situation if we stop thinking about it.

Whatever the reason for letting clutter in, we have to understand that it impedes on our ability to be clear and focused.

Neuroscientists at Princeton University studied the differences of people’s task performance in an organized versus disorganized environment. The results showed that clutter competes for your attention, resulting in decreased performance and increased stress.

So what can you do?

Give away an item daily or weekly

Go around your space and tune into the clutter. Find an item and ask yourself if it brings value to your life. If no, give it away, sell it, or recycle it.

Fill a recycle bag

Select an area in your home for a recycle bag. Set a goal to fill that bag weekly with items that no longer add value to your life. Your brain will go on a hunt for items it can use to fill that bag. We are programmed to succeed. We want to fill that bag!

Try the Oprah Winfrey closet hanger experiment

Oprah introduced us to someone’s brilliant idea when it comes to clearing wardrobe clutter. Hang all your clothes with the hangers in the reverse direction. After you wear an item, return it to the closet with the hanger facing the correct direction. After six months, you’ll have a clear picture of which clothes you can easily donate.

This technique also works great for other items in the house. Apply it to toys. Place a sticker on each toy, place them all on a shelf with the sticker facing the wall. After your child plays with them, return it with the sticker facing away from the shelf wall. After six months, you’ll know which toys to donate.

Don’t stop there. You can also apply this concept to baseball hats, everyday shoes, and folded t-shirts in a drawer.

Create a room list

Take some time to draft a list of specific rooms and areas within your home or office that need decluttering. Before I decluttered, my pantry scared me most of all. I hated going into it because I knew my brain would hurt. Over the years, I’d pile things onto shelves and close the door. Well, over time, you can imagine the mess. I dreamed of having a pantry that I could open and see every item. I wanted canned goods to be in one area, not hidden behind bags of flour that expired two years prior. That cluttered pantry took the joy out of cooking.

Determine which areas of your life need organization by figuring out where the mental and physical drains lurk.

After you’ve made your list, commit to tackling one space a week.

Get a new view

I always say that my house is cleanest right before I’m expecting company. This is when I go into ultra-organizing mode. I look around my house and think, well that’s embarrassing! I view my home from the perceived perspective of the visitor and am able to see things I don’t normally see. That pile of extra pillows and blankets I shoved into the corner of the spare bedroom no longer seems fitting when my best friend is going to see it.

Play frugal consumer

Go around your house and analyze items from the view of a frugal consumer. Ask yourself questions like, how much would I pay for this? If I saw this on a store shelf today, would I buy it? Would I give this item to someone as a gift? When you start to ask yourself questions like this, you are inviting in truthful answers. Your answers should help you determine which items are clutter and which ones still hold value.