To increase self-control requires a person to make sacrifices. Although this sounds terrible, it’s the best thing you can do for your future.

Okay, let me first start off by admitting I’m a sucker for sugar and for television marathons on rainy weekends.

In moderation, these things are fine. A little piece of chocolate, a squirt of sugary hazelnut in a coffee, and a lazy span of time spent sprawled in the horizontal position on my couch once in a while aren’t going to derail me in any serious capacity. The real trouble comes into play when I’m faced with too many temptations to indulge in at any one given time.

Hey, let’s face it, it’s been a cold and rainy winter here in Maryland, more so on the weekends. This pretty much screams for sugar and television! Giving in every few weeks, maybe that’s okay, some may even agree it’s therapeutic, but when faced with the choice to plop sugar on my tongue and find out what’s happening next on Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix or work on some of my life dreams, there comes a point when a woman needs to conjure up some self-control.

Self-Control

Practicing self-control isn’t particularly fun. It means you have to say no to something. It means you have to shut off a craving and act strong. Gasp.

This is a lot easier said than done. If I decide to ignore logic and reason and continue to exhibit no self-control during too many rainy weekend streaks, I’ll put myself at risk of a great many things I don’t want to be at risk for, the biggest one being the failure to get any real grounding on my dreams. And if I keep eating sugar at alarming rates, well, the risk is not good news for my health.

When it comes to having to say no to something that we really enjoy, it feels like punishment, right? We’re being blocked from pleasure, instantaneous pleasure.

Our mind might start to go into overdrive to justify why we should not listen to the voice of reason. Given the right environment, our mind is going to work really hard to make that list as long as it possibly can so we feel within our rights to indulge in what gives us a lift out of the daily grind of life with all its bills, chores, pressures, and drama.

Believe me, I can justify with the best of the best, especially when it comes to sugar.

I can list ten reasons right now, before my next blink, why I should eat that sugar.

• Gives me instant energy
• It’s a mood booster
• Tastes delicious
• I only live once
• I work out
• It’s not that bad for me
• Everyone eats it
• I’ve been eating it all my life and I’m still here strong as anything
• It makes me feel good
• I smile when I eat it

I can become one of the most creative people I know when I go into this kind of justifying mode. If I want something badly enough, I’ll get pretty darn ingenious.

Imagine if I could take all that creative energy and use it for something more productive other than convincing myself why I should eat sugar whenever I want? I might get my next novel written sooner! I might record more podcasts! I might start another fun Facebook group.

In other words that extra energy could be put to good use.

You see, when we fail to practice self-control, we put others, as well as other outside influencers, in charge of our plans, our safety, and ultimately our life. Essentially, they become the driver while we take the passenger seat. They drive our thoughts and actions.

I don’t know about you, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let anything or anyone have that much control over me.

We get this one shot at life. So, wouldn’t it benefit us to make it as great as we can? This can only happen if we drive.

What is self-control?

We can view self-control as resistance to pleasurable temptation or empowerment over distraction.

It always comes down to our attitude and perspective, doesn’t it? How we look at the situation becomes a driving force in itself because that alone can determine our success or failure.

So what’s up with this sugar example anyway?

Obviously the example I provided using sugar is over-simplistic. Sugar in moderation is fine. Eating large quantities of it, not so much. This is common sense. But I used this example to help illustrate the concept of temptation and its negative impact on our plans. There are certain temptations that can really screw us up, and if we don’t practice self-control they can completely take over and destroy our plans at a good life.

People struggle with many different vices including things like infidelity, stealing, substance abuse, and violence. Other detrimental things include procrastinating, gossiping, and lying. Any one of these vices placed in the context of a choice between success and failure can steal a person’s ability to rise to the occasion of a great and purposeful life.

How to increase your self-control

So, let’s look at some ways you can improve your ability to look away from those lures and stay focused on your plans.

Remember that self-control is a skill

This means you can learn it and refine it. As with any skill, you have to practice what you learn. It may not sit right in you at first, but with persistent effort at mastering it, it will find a groove and settle in like a comfortable set of pajamas.

Visualize the desired result

Anytime we toss ourselves into a battle between wants and can’t haves, acute pain can sweep in, knock us off our axis, and have us pleading for mercy. On our travels, temptations are going to run out in front of us and try to yank us away from our path to get on theirs. A person can power through this by blurring out the pain and shifting the focus to what’s on the other side of it. What are you trying to accomplish? Decide on your “why”. If it’s strong enough, it will keep you safe along the journey.

Be aware of your triggers

Self-awareness is the key to staying in control. Know your tendencies. What sets you off? What habits always win? Know ahead of time what derails you, and plan your reaction to those situations. With a solid plan going in, you’re more apt to counter it and walk away undeterred.

Exercise your control

Exercise mindfulness through meditation. Simple deep breathing and refocusing your brain on those breaths can help you build will power and self-control, and increase your brain’s ability to resist impulsive behaviors. Just a few minutes a day can make a significant difference. When you’re faced with temptation, deep breathing is a fantastic way to set you back to focus. Or try blinking your eyes ten times in a row.

Get rid of the statement I can’t

Research has shown that when we state “I can’t,” we are creating a dangerous feedback loop that reminds us of our inadequacies. Our brains then go on a hunt to ensure we are not wrong, which results in self-sabotage. Change your statement to something more affirmative. So, say you’re trying to lose ten pounds for an upcoming wedding, and you’re facing a plate of cookies. Instead of saying “I can’t resist them,” try saying instead, “I don’t eat cookies.” This affirmative statement put you in control instead. It’s your choice. You are not forcing yourself to resist something, instead you are choosing to resist something.

Over to you. How do you practice self-control?

Are we being selfish for saying no?

A good conversationalist holds the golden ticket to personal and professional success. If you can converse effectively, you will go far in life.

Conversation

I went out for lunch the other day with a group of people, and something really bothered me that I thought might be a good topic for this blog because I don’t believe I am alone in what I’m about to say.

These people are wonderful, deeply passionate and engaging. They discussed all sorts of topics while we devoured delicious enchiladas and tacos at a delicious Mexican restaurant. Some of the things they talked about I didn’t have an opinion on, so I continued to eat and listen as I watched the conversations unfold.

Ideally, the banter between everyone would’ve chimed on like a beautiful song, waving up and down in tone and ebbing and flowing in harmony as each person took a moment to share their thoughts. But, that’s not how it went. 

Here’s what really happened. I ate, they talked, I attempted to chime in, they talked over me, which resulted in me shutting down. This is a habit of mine, and I think it stems from childhood when I was bullied by a classmate, repeatedly slapped any time I tried to talk. I think it’s important to understand why we act as we do, because without that honest look at ourselves, we can never learn and grow.

So what have I learned?

When I’m in a group setting, I tend to go into listen only mode. I rarely take the volley of the conversation because to do that would require me to be more assertive and in a way aggressive even.

What do I mean?

As a listener, I get a front row seat to the dynamics of conversation. It’s incredibly interesting to watch.  It’s a dance of sorts. One person tosses out a thought, and the others leap to match it and interject their thoughts. To be in the position to actually catch the next wave of that volley and own it, a person has to either be more interesting than the others, have valuable information to share that is respected, or be louder.

The Flow of Conversation

Here’s what happens to me in a group setting. I shut down. We began talking about a subject I knew intimately. So, naturally I attempted to grab the speaking position and launch into my spiel. When I did this, others began to circle around my words until finally they overpowered me and took back the conversation.

This did a couple of things to me. For starters, it shut me down. I stopped sharing my thoughts mid-sentence and no one seemed to notice. The conversation took a totally different turn and I kept waiting for the right moment to sneak back in and latch onto it again. Only, it never circled back my way long enough to offer that moment. The only way I’d get my turn back was if I interrupted someone else, by speaking over her.

I won’t do that because I think it’s incredibly rude to do that, and it makes me feel terrible when someone does it to me. And the last thing I want to do is make someone else feel terrible. So, I chose to sit idle with my thoughts and just listen.

Now, I’m the type of person who wants to learn. I take every moment that makes me feel kind of crappy and try to figure out the lesson so I can figure out a way to avoid a similar situation in the future.

Group Setting

All my life, I’ve dealt with this issue when I’m in a group setting.

I don’t seem to have this issue when I’m engaged in a one-on-one conversation. Those always go so smoothly. The conversation volleys back and forth nicely on most all occasions. I guess that’s why when I’m in a group situation, I tend to veer towards the people who are sitting idle and in listen only mode too and strike up wonderful, full conversations with them.

When I think about group dynamics, the assertive voices often are the ones that rise and lead. They have something to say, and they want to be heard. For me, the frustration comes in when I want to be heard too because I feel I’ve got something of value to share, and then I find myself in a position where I’m talking over people and often having to trample over their voices repeatedly just to be heard. That’s not my style, and not something that makes me feel empowered. I typically walk away from situations like that feeling defeated and exhausted.

The Art of Conversation

So, two things. One, being aware of this whole group dynamic thing has helped me be a better listener, and for that I’m grateful. I think being a listener is a great skill, and if learned by more people, better more satisfying conversations would take place. Some of the greatest and most memorable talks I have had are with people who at first appear shy, and when prompted and nurtured to share by asking them thought-provoking, open-ended questions and really taking the time to listen to their response, they open up and share valuable stuff that has helped me grow as a person.

So this begs the question of what does a person like myself do when she continually finds herself in group situations? Do I continue to be in listen only mode? Do I stomp all over someone else to be heard? For me, I realize I can’t change the patterns and actions of other people. I can’t control whether they want to listen or talk over me. That’s their choice. What I can control is how I behave in such a situation. I have choices too.

I choose to assert my voice only when I feel people want to listen. Otherwise, it becomes this endless loop of one-upping another in a conversation where no one is listening because they’re all too busy interrupting each other. I’d rather save my energy for those who are willing to indulge in the art of conversation where one volleys a thought or question and the other receives it, lets it marinate and layers it with another thought or question.

Flip the topic

Now, let’s flip this topic over on its side and say you are one of those who tends to talk over people, interrupt them, steal the words from their tongues before they can fully launch them. What can you do right now to transform into a better communicator? Maybe you’ve never realized how by doing that you are disempowering not only the other person, but even yourself because you’re not allowing for the full range of exchange of information that could be valuable.

Next time you’re in a group situation, monitor yourself. Take inventory on the flow around the table. Are you dominating? Are you interrupting? Are you talking over someone? Are you ignoring the quiet person politely listening to you? There’s something very simple you can do to nurture that person into contributing. You can ask her a question and listen as she answers. And if someone talks over her, be the change agent and stop the interruption.

We all have choices in life. What do you choose?  Do you choose to be the one talking, listening, or the empowering one who chooses to encourage a little of both?

To remove clutter will open you up to a brand new view on life. When your landscape is clear, you can move forward with ease.

Clutter is like the sneaky cold virus that comes in on a whisper. At first, you don’t notice its entrance. It hides in the quiet recesses of the unnoticed, slowly building on itself until it gets nice and comfy. Then it begins to multiply, stretching beyond natural, taking over territories not able to coexist peacefully in its presence. Before long, it clouds the once pure space that offered tranquility and rest. It thrives in the new chaos it forms, casting upon us an obnoxious force that inevitably overruns the very environment we need to sustain our focus, health, and overall quality of life.

Just like my character Lia, from Sandcastles, begins to understand how the clutter of her busy life chokes her, I also did. Clutter is toxic. Until we remove it, it threatens our health and well-being. 

Clutter gets in the way

Clutter tempts us to procrastinate. It beckons us to focus on what’s around us instead of what’s right smack-dab in front. Clutter is like a clogged highway. It doesn’t allow for freedom of movement. Horns are beeping, tempers are flaring, and we’re just idle, unable to get away from the mess. We can’t accelerate. We can’t flee the scene. We are prisoners to the limitations set by the conditions. No matter how much we focus on getting out of the madness, we simply cannot. We’ve left no room to circumvent the charged emotions or the pileup of excess. We find ourselves stuck in the middle of the crazed chaos, and unless we choose to forgo the similar roadways in the future, we’re at risk of losing ground on our pursuits. As clutter progresses, we digress.

Clutter is toxic.

It eats away at our prolific intentions. It covers us in a film of weariness and frustration that clouds our creative ingenuity.

Clutter enters into our life in many forms. It can be in the form of low-yield tasks, physical stuff, emotional demands placed on us, or even constant worry over things way outside of our control.

We allow clutter in for many reasons. We may find comfort in keeping things, afraid to let them go for sentimental or practical reasons. We may want to please people and not disappoint them by saying no to their demands. We may expect too much of ourselves and overcommit to tasks. We may be incessant worriers who fear losing control over a situation if we stop thinking about it.

Whatever the reason for letting clutter in, we have to understand that it impedes on our ability to be clear and focused.

Neuroscientists at Princeton University studied the differences of people’s task performance in an organized versus disorganized environment. The results showed that clutter competes for your attention, resulting in decreased performance and increased stress.

So what can you do?

Give away an item daily or weekly

Go around your space and tune into the clutter. Find an item and ask yourself if it brings value to your life. If no, give it away, sell it, or recycle it.

Fill a recycle bag

Select an area in your home for a recycle bag. Set a goal to fill that bag weekly with items that no longer add value to your life. Your brain will go on a hunt for items it can use to fill that bag. We are programmed to succeed. We want to fill that bag!

Try the Oprah Winfrey closet hanger experiment

Oprah introduced us to someone’s brilliant idea when it comes to clearing wardrobe clutter. Hang all your clothes with the hangers in the reverse direction. After you wear an item, return it to the closet with the hanger facing the correct direction. After six months, you’ll have a clear picture of which clothes you can easily donate.

This technique also works great for other items in the house. Apply it to toys. Place a sticker on each toy, place them all on a shelf with the sticker facing the wall. After your child plays with them, return it with the sticker facing away from the shelf wall. After six months, you’ll know which toys to donate.

Don’t stop there. You can also apply this concept to baseball hats, everyday shoes, and folded t-shirts in a drawer.

Create a room list

Take some time to draft a list of specific rooms and areas within your home or office that need decluttering. Before I decluttered, my pantry scared me most of all. I hated going into it because I knew my brain would hurt. Over the years, I’d pile things onto shelves and close the door. Well, over time, you can imagine the mess. I dreamed of having a pantry that I could open and see every item. I wanted canned goods to be in one area, not hidden behind bags of flour that expired two years prior. That cluttered pantry took the joy out of cooking.

Determine which areas of your life need organization by figuring out where the mental and physical drains lurk.

After you’ve made your list, commit to tackling one space a week.

Get a new view

I always say that my house is cleanest right before I’m expecting company. This is when I go into ultra-organizing mode. I look around my house and think, well that’s embarrassing! I view my home from the perceived perspective of the visitor and am able to see things I don’t normally see. That pile of extra pillows and blankets I shoved into the corner of the spare bedroom no longer seems fitting when my best friend is going to see it.

Play frugal consumer

Go around your house and analyze items from the view of a frugal consumer. Ask yourself questions like, how much would I pay for this? If I saw this on a store shelf today, would I buy it? Would I give this item to someone as a gift? When you start to ask yourself questions like this, you are inviting in truthful answers. Your answers should help you determine which items are clutter and which ones still hold value.