To focus on pleasing others typically means you’ve placed what’s important to you on the back burner. This translates into the fact that it’s vital for you that others admire your work. You get more of a charge out of the reaction of others than of doing work that ignites your soul.

I was once that person. Others around me rose and were being respected for their work. I faded into the backdrop of their success. I’m embarrassed to admit this. Yet, I feel this admission is an important step in my growth. Looking back on mistakes is a great way to not make them again. Additionally, analyzing why we do the things we do can help us push past obstacles that darken our path.

For the longest time, I believed I wasn’t worthy of the things others in my life had. They worked harder for them than me. While they studied science, math and computers, I dove into the arts. They solved complex problems and saved lives. I played with colors and words. Furthermore, they added value through tangible results. Well, my work oftentimes displayed as a fleeting emotion in someone’s subconsciousness.

Pleasing others leads to false assumptions

I made false assumptions about the value of one’s work based on the level of education or application to  real-world situations. This caused me to look at my artistic approach to life as something unnecessary in the grand scale of life. In other words, I spent many of my younger years comparing my work to others.

I viewed my love for art over my disinterest in mathematical and scientific endeavors as a serious problem.

I wanted to be taken seriously. You see, I didn’t enjoy being viewed as someone who took the easy way out and expected great results. Not that I tried to take the easy way out. I simply followed the path that called my heart into being. But, twenty years ago, green to adulthood, I didn’t realize that following my true calling should result in ending up on a path that felt completely natural. Something that came so easy must be wrong. 

So, you know what I did? I got off my true calling path and tried my hand at the tough road. I had something to prove. So, I decided that I could study math and science and be successful.

My gosh, did I crave the attention of others. I put their view of me above my own happiness. When I finally got their respect, I would derive joy. That’s the most embarrassing part. 

If it doesn’t fit, stop trying to force it.

In trying to please others, I spent several years forcing myself into the finance world. By understanding the financial markets lingo, I gained respect from those I admired. I could talk a good talk about buying and selling options and retirement plans. But, I hated it. I’d drive to work with a gnaw in my gut, desperate to finish my work day before it even began. I tortured myself. 

You see, my catalyst in going into finance came from a moment in time that crushed me. It stemmed from one sentence spoken from someone I admired. We were speaking about the success of someone close to us, and how she deserved that success because she didn’t take the easy way out. She worked hard for it. In my mind, I felt this meant that my pursuing a career in the arts wasn’t worthy enough for such success. It came too easy to me. I hadn’t applied myself enough. If I wanted to be successful in this person’s eyes, I would have to prove myself. I’d have to stop playing in artistic tones and start hard balling it in the real world.

The competitor in me awakened, and suddenly, I needed more.

I felt inclined to prove myself worthy of such accolades, too. So, I enrolled in college and studied my butt off, taking science classes like they were basket weaving. I struggled, but I maintained good grades. Because I had something to prove, I forced my way through chemistry, botany, zoology, and finally finance.

I was miserable, forcing myself into a life I didn’t want.

So, why did I do this to myself? To prove to the naysayers that I was worthy? I’m embarrassed to say yes.  And, in the end, what did I prove? I proved I was fully capable of second-guessing myself and tossing away gifts like they were gum wrappers.

Beyond a Challenge

I’m all for challenging oneself. But, this went beyond challenging. This landed in the dreaded territory of dull.

In my pursuit to pleasing others, I lost myself. I defined my success in terms of someone else’s perspective. That became apparent one day when I found myself throwing up on the side of the road while commuting to work. The Monday morning blues had sailed in and I would rather have died than have to go into that building and talk numbers all day.

After realizing I was on the wrong road, I eventually readjusted! I left the finance world and opted for something more creative. I’m an artist, and artists are happiest when creating. I wanted to pursue an education that would complement my artistic tendencies. So, I gravitated towards writing and graphic design.

Discovery Phase

As I began writing, I discovered myself again.

Writing allows me to explore the world in many ways! Through it, I’ve discovered the incredible world of novel writing, podcasting, blogging and digital storytelling. 

We’re all meant for something great in this life. The best way to honor that gift is to not ignore that which you love to do for the sake of pleasing others. I believe it’s good to challenge yourself as long as it’s in alignment with your life purpose.Follow your heart and do with your day those things that make your heart sing.

To solve problems requires a new outlook on them. What if you could change things for the better with just a simple tweak to your thought patterns?

The other day I let myself go into a self-deprecating mode where I questioned my path. The reason? Well, let me share what I posted to one of my Facebook groups to explain.

My Post

Torrent sites are the reason many writers can no longer make a living writing books and why many of us have to work 2-3 jobs to be able to afford the luxury of writing a book (researching, creating, writing, designing covers, and paying for editors). These terrible sites take away our sense of hope, accomplishment, and ability to put aside valuable time to produce a finished book. I used to have the time to write 2 books a year, but no longer.

Why? Because I need to work 2-3 jobs to put a roof over my head and pay my bills. The time I used to enjoy writing now has to be spent making money to make up for what these torrent sites take away. Yes, I believe they put a huge dent in the system. And, to take the time to request they be taken down would also eat away at writing time. Unquestionably, it’s unfortunate.

The Upset

Why am I so up in arms about this right at this moment? Because… I was just sent a link to a public Google drive folder that contains thousands upon thousands of books for anyone in the world to read. No money needed. Moreover, the author never gets compensated for all the sacrifice of their time, efforts, and energy to create these works. 

Basically, it’s a losing battle for writers.

I beg of anyone who downloads stolen books, please think about the consequences your actions are causing. Overall, you are not only making yourself a part of the potential destruction of artists’ work, but you are also likely downloading a nasty virus to go along with that stolen property.

Yeah. Phew. A little heat coming off that post, eh?

The Problem

The way I felt for most of the day following this rant was hopeless and devastated. Firstly, I woke with energy that day, and retired to my pillow drained. Secondly, I felt as if I had hit a brick wall. My dream to make a living as a novelist, writing stories about characters who pursue the meaning in life and search for that one true love of their life, seemed to crumble. 

That night, I didn’t sleep well. My imagination went into overdrive, and not in a productive way. Consequently, I began to visualize a future without writing books, researching new things, interacting with readers as a writer, and dissolving my website and social media accounts because of the entitled, greedy people who think it’s okay to steal from me and other artists.

A Monster Emerged

Wow, in the shadows of my bedroom, a monster had emerged! My ability to usually solve problems disappeared. 

Effectually, I lay against my pillow staring up at the shadows feeling very hollow and scared. My God, what would become of my life?

Yikes! What a spiral I’d caused myself to enter. And worse than that, that post caused quite the upheaval of negative emotion. I woke the next day with a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I not only self-destructed, but I also set a fire ablaze in others.

Not cool. Solve problems? Me? I seemed to be creating them! Yikes.

What’s Good About This Problem?

Afterward, my brain went into total overhaul mode. How could I make this better? In what ways could I stop the madness my emotions had caused?

I took the only action I could think of at that moment. I asked myself a very pointed question: What’s good about this problem?

Meanwhile, as my brain searched for an answer, I began to feel better because I was searching for something good. See, I could solve problems again! Yahoo!

• The community came together to support each other during a very uncomfortable moment. That’s a good thing.
• We addressed concerns in an open and honest forum. Honesty is always best.

The Greatness Emerged

Those are both good things. But, I think the greatest good that came from this post was grasping the understanding that there are many people out there who still respect and support the arts. They crave a good book, and they fully appreciate the writer’s journey in creating that for her.

I saw this in many of the responses, and I have to say, knowing that there are good people out there who want to support and nurture artists makes me even more determined to keep that faith they put into us alive.

Regardless, the ones stealing, well, they’re going to steal anyway. I don’t want them in my circle. Certainly, I wont allow them to rob me of my creative energy. Most importantly, never will they take away from me the very things that causes my heart to race and my mind to expand. No, they’ll never have that power. They don’t deserve that power.

A Good Look

Hence, the good thing about this problem is that there are still many people out there willing to be honest and supportive. I am going to choose to focus on them when I’m writing a new book and have faith that my efforts will mean something to someone somewhere down the road.

I do not want to become my own worst enemy. And, I won’t fear the actions of others. Furthermore, no way will I succumb to putting out my light because someone thinks it’s not worth shining. The good thing about someone else’s problem is that it’s someone else’s problem. It’s not mine unless I make it mine.

Claim the Win

I want to be the kind of person who can solve problems and lives with a faith that I am doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. I can’t imagine a life where I’m not creating a story. If I let stealers take that away from me, who comes out ahead? Certainly not me. And, that’s just not going to happen. As long as I have a breath and a pulse, I am going to pour my heart into a life where I come out ahead. I would never let someone I care about ever consider coming in behind, so why would I ever allow that to happen to me?

Finally, my fellow writers and supportive readers, I hope the very same is true for you. Do work you love and that matters. And never allow anyone to steal your light from this world.

Every day we encounter life lessons. They come to us in many forms, and when we pay attention to them, they can help us grow.

I love country music, and there’s one song in particular that I love to listen to because it causes me to reflect. It’s Brad Paisley’s song Letter to Me. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s about a man who thinks about his life and what he would’ve wanted to say to his younger self at the age of 17.

I think the reason why this song resonates with me and why I think it’s such a compelling idea to be able to have a talk with our younger selves is because as we go through life, we obviously learn many lessons along the way. As teens, we all likely felt pressured and cornered into our lives as if there was no way out of the circumstances, ever. Things always seemed so permanent back then.

I can’t help but wonder how much easier teenage life would’ve been had I known some of the things I do today.

So this got me thinking about some of the most important life lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Life Lessons Learned

Confidence Comes from Within.

Confidence blooms from inside. It has nothing to do with your appearance. I remember when I turned thirty-five years old. I began to concern myself about the wrinkles that started lining the skin around the outside of my eyes and the gray hair that began poking through at more extreme levels than before. I cringe when I think about how obsessed I was with my outward appearance back then. It seems so frivolous now. I get upset with myself for wasting time on worrying over something that happens to every single person on the planet.

Now that I’m over a decade older than that version of myself, I’ve come to learn that appearance has nothing at all to do with confidence. I’m not sure when I learned this exactly. I believe it was a slow lesson, simmering in the background of my daily life, waiting on me to recognize that confidence stems from the inside than the outside.

Confidence is a state of mind. It’s preparing yourself for success. It’s putting your passion into something you love. It’s showing compassion for others. It’s about so much more than lip-gloss, highlights or expensive clothes. I would tell my younger self to spend less time on perfecting her makeup and hair and more time on building the skills that will bring her closer to her passions.

Never Force.

No matter how much you try to force something, if it’s not meant to be, it’s never going to be. This is especially important when it comes to getting people to like us. As a teen, we want everyone to like us. Our world revolves around the opinion of others. Even as an adult, if someone doesn’t like me, I tend to obsess about why this is. I start to go all the interactions and dissect them until they’re totally gutted and unrecognizable.

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think most of us fixate on the issue, thinking that we can change their opinions. The truth is, some people are going to like us, and some never will. We may never understand why. I would tell my younger self to be the best person she can be, apologize if she’s wrong, set things right when she can. If that’s not enough, turn her focus to those with whom she does connect. Nurture the positive.

Be Really Great at Two Things.

I’d tell my younger self to hone in on something she’s good at, and then add a secondary element. For instance, as a teen I loved cutting hair. I used to have a booming clientele, and that was well before I knew what I was doing! I lived across the street from my high school, and after school, I had a line of kids in my living room waiting to get their haircut. That’s how I put gas in my car and paid for my insurance. I spent all my time on this activity, because I intended to go to hairdressing school and make my living cutting hair. Honestly, I even let my studies slide because I wasn’t even focused on college. I just needed to pass.

So, you see, the problem with focusing on just one skill set is that you put everything into one basket. Years later, when I became asthmatic and had skin allergies on my hands, I realized that my hair career would likely have to be cut short. At that moment, I really wished I’d focused on my other love too, which was writing. I was twenty-two when I realized I needed new skills and a better education.

So, I took one of my passions, hairdressing, and coupled it with a different passion, writing, and started my professional writing career.

I believe everyone should shine in more areas than one, and I say this because we never know what life is going to toss in our way. If we only ever focus in on one area, and that area for some reason disappears one day, we’re left empty. I’d tell my younger self that it’s better to spread the wealth so to speak, and try to connect her passions and skills into a package deal for the future.

Make Yourself a Priority.

Another life lesson I would make sure I told my young self about is to take care of herself first so she can take care of others. Many might think, wow, take care of yourself first. That’s selfish, no?

It’s not selfish. It’s called being prepared.

As a teen, my friends always came first before exercise. Are you kidding me? Go for a run over hanging with my bestie after school? There was no choice. My friends always came first. The last thing on my mind was my health. My health was fine. To a kid, we take our health for granted. Good habits form early on. I had terrible habits as a teen. I ate way too much sugar, got lazy with exercise, and drank lots of soda. If I did that as an adult, I’d be in serious trouble! Health is my number one priority. Some people might think it’s terrible to place it above family and friends on the priority list. I counter that argument with this: If I’m not healthy, I can’t take care of my family and friends the way they deserve.

By proactively taking care of myself through good nutrition, adequate exercise, and relaxing meditation, I am putting myself in a great position to be alert, happy and balanced for my family and friends. So to my younger self I’d say to start the good habit early to ensure I’m around for those I love in the future.

Realize that Everything is Temporary.

I learned this lesson the hard way with my dog, Sunshine. I had taken him for granted in many ways, putting off walks so I could work, getting aggravated when he wanted to sit down on his walks and take in the breeze because I wanted to get home and bang out a project. It’s those little moments, those precious moments, where the magic of life resides. When those opportunities are gone, they’re gone forever. I no longer have the opportunity to sit on the top of a grassy hill and watch the grass sway with my Sunshine. I regret that I didn’t sit on that hill with him every chance I had. Don’t get me wrong, he had a wonderful life. I just wish I had taken more time to enjoy the breezes with him a bit more than I did.

With my dog, Bumblebee, I take those moments and cherish them. They will always be in my heart long after she joins her brother at the Rainbow Bridge. So, I guess I would remind my younger self to stop wishing her time away or wasting it worrying about silly things. Instead, she should soak up all those beautiful moments while she has the chance. I would end that talk on, ‘When you finally understand the temporary nature of life, you’ll never wish it away again.’

Here’s the thing: life is full of lessons. If we take the time to let them sink in, really sink in, I believe life will become that much more meaningful and enriching.