Here’s the secret to staying dynamic – be willing to let go and change.

While in the middle of writing my newest novel, Beneath Everything, I was on a live radio show with Bernadette Boas from Shedding the Bitch and we had a great conversation about dealing with life’s curves and staying dynamic (a topic my main character, Sarah, dives into throughout the novel). She wrapped up our fun 45-minute chat with this question: What are 3 tips you can give listeners to help them overcome or deal with life’s curves.

Staying dynamic comes down to really great questions

First of all, I want to say that I loved that question. I loved it because it automatically got my brain searching for answers. I love thought-provoking questions because they have the capacity to nudge a person from a state of helplessness to empowerment in seconds.

Think about those times in life when you’ve felt like the weight of the world decided to take a break on your shoulders. It just plopped all its troubles and obstacles onto you and as a result you felt unable to deal with things.

It’s hard to figure a way out of a tough situation when it’s pressing you down. The mind just sort of parks itself and it starts to feel like no matter how much you try to move, you just can’t. Staying dynamic grows increasingly difficult. It feels better to just sit still and wait for the pressure to subside.

Here’s the problem with sitting idle and waiting on life to change on its own:

The longer you sit in the tracks of that parked position, the harder it is to get out of it.

You can’t sit through life’s problems and think that willing them to go away is going to solve anything. I know that sounds kind of harsh, and I’m sorry if it does. But, if we’re keeping things real here, what I just said is true. Problems are not going to solve themselves by wishing them away or by complaining about them.

You have to take action, and most likely that action will require you to make a change.

Change is a scary thing to most of us.

But, it’s through change that we’re able to get on a better track. A lot of people get stuck because they’re not sure exactly what to change. They know something needs to be different. They just don’t know where to start.

Letting go of what you’ve always known can be extremely uncomfortable. But you know, it’s when you get uncomfortable that you place yourself on the path to improvement.  

It’s hard enough to admit when something is no longer working, and possibly even harder to not become overwhelmed by figuring out a plan to get things working again.

Be default, we’re programmed for survival. We’re programmed to set ourselves up for success. No one ends up on a wrong road on purpose. We end up there for many reasons, one sometimes being that we settled into what was easiest and bearable.

If you strive for more than just survival and bearing with life’s situations, and I hope you do, then you need to find a way to get from a point of complacency to a place where you thrive.

What’s the Secret to Staying Dynamic?

That’s where great questions come into play. Great questions like the one the radio show host, Bernadette, asked me at the end of her radio show. Questions that ignite that part of your brain to go into search mode and find answers that will serve you best.

A great question is like getting splashed by a glass of cold water. 

It wakes a person up and gets her out of the muck of her past failures and fears and places her into the arms of reality, into the present moment where real life is taking place and waiting for her to get on board.

When Bernadette asked me for 3 tips, my brain went into search mode, creating an instant wave of empowerment that helped remind me of what’s important.

The top three actions that help me to stay in a dynamic state and away from the comfort zone of stagnation are 1. Take deep breaths 2. Learn something new daily and 3. Surround myself with encouraging people who set the example of how to add value to those around them.

So let me back up a moment and break these down further. 

Taking a deep breath.

Why is this important? It seems rather simple, right? When was the last time you took a deep, thoughtful breath? Take one right now. Draw it deep into your lungs and hold it there for a few seconds before releasing it. I bet that felt great. Next time you’re stressed or overwhelmed, try taking breaths like this. Breath in, hold it, then release it. Repeat this for two minutes. That one action will change the way you feel in a positive way.

Learn something new daily. 

When you learn, your brain gets excited because it forms new connections. By learning you can grow as a person, develop your knowledge base and improve yourself for the better. When this happens you view the world through a different lens. This new lens offers insights and access to new and different opportunities.

Surround yourself with encouraging people. 

The people you spend time with have a huge impact on your life. “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with,” according to motivational speaker Jim Rohn.

Are the people you are spending the most time with people who support you, encourage you, and make you feel energized and happy? I hope you can answer yes to most of these because that means you’re setting yourself up to put forth the same to others. If no, ask yourself where you can find such friends. As already established, your beautiful brain will go into search mode to figure it out for you.

Thriving in life comes down to an important action: asking yourself really great questions. The next time you find yourself in a not so ideal situation, ask yourself what is one thing I can do in this very moment to get my focus off the problem and onto something positive? Trust in yourself that you will find the answer. You’ll be amazed at how creative your brain can be when it comes to helping you not just survive, but thrive in this life.

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by a project? Do you ever get stuck staring at the task at hand, contemplating its enormity and wonder how in the world you will even be able to take a first step towards tackling it?

Overwhelming Tasks

Nothing screams overwhelming like a gigantic, looming task with no end in sight and no obvious place to start. The natural response when facing an insurmountable mountain like this is to run the other way and hope for something easier.

But, as much as you might want to toss that monster, stress-inducing idea aside and tackle something less intimidating and immediate, the fighter in you stands her ground. You want to accomplish this goal. You want to stand on the other side of that mountain and say, I didn’t let you get in my way because I’m stronger than that!

You realize, you just need a plan. You need a strategy. You need to take that first step, then another, until you’ve taken enough to transport you from overwhelmed to victorious. If a dream is too big to grasp, it’s hard to view it in any immediate terms. So, here is where you can play a productive card in your hand and turn that enormous, scary mountain into something more digestible.

In my book, Productivity: 15 Simple Tips to Get Things Done, I shared some ways to get past the feeling of being overwhelmed by chunking a project down into small, digestible steps.

Stop feeling overwhelmed one bite at a time

Imagine you’re staring at a plate of macaroni. If you attempted to clear your plate in one move, you’d choke. So, instead, you’d dig your fork into it and conquer one bite at a time, allowing yourself the time, space, and ability to accomplish the task at hand.

Before you know it, you will start to see the plate’s surface. One by one, that pile of macaroni disappears and digests, offering you more productive fuel to power your journey to the ultimate goal.

View your dreams like that macaroni. Break the enormous dream (clearing your plate) into tasks (one bite at a time), and devour them until you’ve succeeded.

As you start to work on your tasks, one digestible step at a time, celebrate your successes. Treat yourself when you complete a portion. You’ll be amazed when you look back and realize how much progress you made! 

Stop feeling overwhelmed: Take a step back

Don’t be afraid to take a few steps backwards if you run into obstacles. Many believe that productivity means pushing forward no matter what. That can sometimes be counterproductive if you’re facing a brick wall. Often times, these brick walls offer opportunity to step back and take a look at your path to make sure it’s still right for you.

If a brick wall stands in your way, instead of limiting yourself to the planned route, allow for flexibility. In fact, plan on it. You need to be flexible. Being flexible sometimes takes us off the structured path, and that’s good. We often find solutions on that ground that has never seen a footprint.

To get to where you’re going, you may have to take several steps backwards, giving yourself time to consider things with more creativity. Being productive has nothing to do with speed or time, but progress. Progress sometimes requires stepping back, taking in a wider view, and then getting back to the task at hand with a clearer plan of action.

Leave a Task Incomplete

If you’re stuck on a task, in addition to taking in a wider view, you can also take another approach. Select the biggest tasks to complete your ultimate goal. These will become your anchors.

Here’s how. Leave these incomplete, on purpose.

Say what?

Yes. When you leave tasks incomplete, your mind won’t forget them. You create a cliffhanger that begs for you to go back and settle the intrigue. Not only will the cliffhanger beg for your continued attention, but it’ll do something very productive. It will create opportunity for freshness to flow in because you will be figuring out how to tackle the cliffhanger in a new setting, which will allow for new perspectives.

Most of my creative ideas flow to me when I’m not in front of my computer. I love leaving a cliffhanger sentence at the end of a writing session because I contemplate how I will resolve or build upon it while I’m not in front of a blank computer screen.

Over to you: Do you have ways that help you to stop feeling overwhelmed?

Learning how to focus better can bring astonishing benefits to life. To achieve goals, it’s imperative to gain control over your habits.

Binge-Worthy

I’ve been on a serious Netflix binge lately and it’s really messing with my productivity. These Netflix television series are so darned addictive that I have a hard time turning them off. They make them addictive by writing these incredible characters and then sucking you into their fictitious lives one dramatic moment after another.

In moderation, watching television dramas can be helpful to my writer’s brain. I learn about what makes someone lovable or annoying and what keeps someone glued to the story line. But, watch too much, and all that knowledge goes to waste because I have no time left to apply it!

Either the writers of these television dramas need to take it down a notch or I need to practice more discipline and say no to that remote control more often. Such a dilemma. I’m sure nobody can relate (wink).

In all seriousness, all of this addictive spectator activity I’ve immersed myself in lately has taught me something. It’s opened up my mind to the important fact that I do have control over myself and if I don’t exercise that control, someone else will. I don’t know about you, but I’m not a huge fan of someone else taking over the steering wheel and driving me to a place far off from my intended destination.

Here’s the thing, if you, like me, want to get ahead and stay productive, you must determine which activities are holding you back and which are helping you move forward. Then, and only then will you be able to set yourself in motion and make some progress.

How I learned to focus better

Here’s what I did. I made a plan. I always make a plan when I’m feeling out of control. I sat down, reassessed my priorities, and analyzed what I needed to do to make them my primary focus.

Quickly, I calculated that I would need to step away from the television during the hours when I am at my creative best. But, being realistic and knowing the value of analyzing the works of others, I also set aside one hour a day to indulge in one show a night. That is my reward for sticking to my priorities.

So how do you figure out what your priorities are?

Decide three things are most important to you. That’s it. Keep the list short and sweet.

My list

• Family/friends
• Health
• Personal and professional development

Activities

From this list, decide what activities you must do to stay focused on them. These will become your High Value Activities (HVA).

• Walking with my family and eating dinner together
• Exercise, meditate, and prep nutritious meals
• Perform work duties at the office, learn as much as I can, and work on my book writing business (i.e. write, blog, podcast, promotions, etc).

Then, you must prioritize those activities and attend to them the most. This means, before I watch television, I need to have taken action on at least one thing from my HVA list. More is better, of course, but I measure my success in overcoming my television-binge-watching addiction by weighing in on if I accomplished at least one HVA for the day.

Let’s look at an example

You have to figure out what activities will move you closer and which ones suck the life out of your dreams.

So, say you’re a web designer with dreams to open your own design studio, then your highest value activities should remain focused around activities that bring you increase in your knowledge, client base, and bottom line. Those activities should get precedent over anything else on your daily list. You want to focus on improving your skills in this area, always searching for new opportunities as you prepare by doing the work that will generate the level of awareness you need to succeed.

Or say you want to write novels, then writing a novel should be on the top of your activities list. When I set out to write The Dance, I got so side-tracked with my to-do list that I left little time to get the story fleshed out. Thankfully, I smartened up and got cracking! Too often people avoid the very thing they should be doing by adding extraneous things onto their plate, like mindless activity, things that can delegated instead, or indulging in bad habits.

Highest Value Activities

If it helps, think of your activities as investment vehicles. The investment is your time, energy and attention. The yield is the outcome of this investment. Be sure you are spending your time wisely on those activities that will generate the tools, knowledge, and revenue you need to sustain and increase momentum towards your dream.

A Few Tips on How to Focus Better

Audit your to-do list

Scan your list and determine which activities are most important to your goals. Ask yourself, how will this help improve my success at achieving XYZ? Those answers should help you determine which gets moved to the top and to the bottom of your list.

Select one HVA

In your daily routine, you will have many items that aren’t HVAs, but are nonetheless important and necessary to get done. Things like cleaning the bathroom, sending your mom a quick email to let her know you love her, walking your dog, etc. Although these items aren’t adding revenue to your bottom line, they are still vital to your life. That being said, when analyzing your list for HVAs, select one that you will do for each day. Don’t go a day without doing at least one HVA. You may not get to all of them, but you can at least do one.

Delegate

You may find that you are bogged down with tasks that have to be done, but don’t add any value to your ventures. Are there things you can delegate on your list to clear up space for your HVAs? When you clear your schedule, you open yourself up to clarity and the freedom to discover more value in your daily actions.

To increase self-control requires a person to make sacrifices. Although this sounds terrible, it’s the best thing you can do for your future.

Okay, let me first start off by admitting I’m a sucker for sugar and for television marathons on rainy weekends.

In moderation, these things are fine. A little piece of chocolate, a squirt of sugary hazelnut in a coffee, and a lazy span of time spent sprawled in the horizontal position on my couch once in a while aren’t going to derail me in any serious capacity. The real trouble comes into play when I’m faced with too many temptations to indulge in at any one given time.

Hey, let’s face it, it’s been a cold and rainy winter here in Maryland, more so on the weekends. This pretty much screams for sugar and television! Giving in every few weeks, maybe that’s okay, some may even agree it’s therapeutic, but when faced with the choice to plop sugar on my tongue and find out what’s happening next on Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix or work on some of my life dreams, there comes a point when a woman needs to conjure up some self-control.

Self-Control

Practicing self-control isn’t particularly fun. It means you have to say no to something. It means you have to shut off a craving and act strong. Gasp.

This is a lot easier said than done. If I decide to ignore logic and reason and continue to exhibit no self-control during too many rainy weekend streaks, I’ll put myself at risk of a great many things I don’t want to be at risk for, the biggest one being the failure to get any real grounding on my dreams. And if I keep eating sugar at alarming rates, well, the risk is not good news for my health.

When it comes to having to say no to something that we really enjoy, it feels like punishment, right? We’re being blocked from pleasure, instantaneous pleasure.

Our mind might start to go into overdrive to justify why we should not listen to the voice of reason. Given the right environment, our mind is going to work really hard to make that list as long as it possibly can so we feel within our rights to indulge in what gives us a lift out of the daily grind of life with all its bills, chores, pressures, and drama.

Believe me, I can justify with the best of the best, especially when it comes to sugar.

I can list ten reasons right now, before my next blink, why I should eat that sugar.

• Gives me instant energy
• It’s a mood booster
• Tastes delicious
• I only live once
• I work out
• It’s not that bad for me
• Everyone eats it
• I’ve been eating it all my life and I’m still here strong as anything
• It makes me feel good
• I smile when I eat it

I can become one of the most creative people I know when I go into this kind of justifying mode. If I want something badly enough, I’ll get pretty darn ingenious.

Imagine if I could take all that creative energy and use it for something more productive other than convincing myself why I should eat sugar whenever I want? I might get my next novel written sooner! I might record more podcasts! I might start another fun Facebook group.

In other words that extra energy could be put to good use.

You see, when we fail to practice self-control, we put others, as well as other outside influencers, in charge of our plans, our safety, and ultimately our life. Essentially, they become the driver while we take the passenger seat. They drive our thoughts and actions.

I don’t know about you, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let anything or anyone have that much control over me.

We get this one shot at life. So, wouldn’t it benefit us to make it as great as we can? This can only happen if we drive.

What is self-control?

We can view self-control as resistance to pleasurable temptation or empowerment over distraction.

It always comes down to our attitude and perspective, doesn’t it? How we look at the situation becomes a driving force in itself because that alone can determine our success or failure.

So what’s up with this sugar example anyway?

Obviously the example I provided using sugar is over-simplistic. Sugar in moderation is fine. Eating large quantities of it, not so much. This is common sense. But I used this example to help illustrate the concept of temptation and its negative impact on our plans. There are certain temptations that can really screw us up, and if we don’t practice self-control they can completely take over and destroy our plans at a good life.

People struggle with many different vices including things like infidelity, stealing, substance abuse, and violence. Other detrimental things include procrastinating, gossiping, and lying. Any one of these vices placed in the context of a choice between success and failure can steal a person’s ability to rise to the occasion of a great and purposeful life.

How to increase your self-control

So, let’s look at some ways you can improve your ability to look away from those lures and stay focused on your plans.

Remember that self-control is a skill

This means you can learn it and refine it. As with any skill, you have to practice what you learn. It may not sit right in you at first, but with persistent effort at mastering it, it will find a groove and settle in like a comfortable set of pajamas.

Visualize the desired result

Anytime we toss ourselves into a battle between wants and can’t haves, acute pain can sweep in, knock us off our axis, and have us pleading for mercy. On our travels, temptations are going to run out in front of us and try to yank us away from our path to get on theirs. A person can power through this by blurring out the pain and shifting the focus to what’s on the other side of it. What are you trying to accomplish? Decide on your “why”. If it’s strong enough, it will keep you safe along the journey.

Be aware of your triggers

Self-awareness is the key to staying in control. Know your tendencies. What sets you off? What habits always win? Know ahead of time what derails you, and plan your reaction to those situations. With a solid plan going in, you’re more apt to counter it and walk away undeterred.

Exercise your control

Exercise mindfulness through meditation. Simple deep breathing and refocusing your brain on those breaths can help you build will power and self-control, and increase your brain’s ability to resist impulsive behaviors. Just a few minutes a day can make a significant difference. When you’re faced with temptation, deep breathing is a fantastic way to set you back to focus. Or try blinking your eyes ten times in a row.

Get rid of the statement I can’t

Research has shown that when we state “I can’t,” we are creating a dangerous feedback loop that reminds us of our inadequacies. Our brains then go on a hunt to ensure we are not wrong, which results in self-sabotage. Change your statement to something more affirmative. So, say you’re trying to lose ten pounds for an upcoming wedding, and you’re facing a plate of cookies. Instead of saying “I can’t resist them,” try saying instead, “I don’t eat cookies.” This affirmative statement put you in control instead. It’s your choice. You are not forcing yourself to resist something, instead you are choosing to resist something.

Over to you. How do you practice self-control?

Are we being selfish for saying no?